It’s an insightful and lighthearted post, but also rather heartbreaking. You see, burlesque perfomers aren’t the only undateable species on the planet, and I would argue that being the spouse of an erotic writer might be even more troublesome.
As an erotic writer myself, I’d like to offer a counter argument, half to make Lolo feel better about the difficulties that may lie in dating unique and brilliant performers like her, and half to warn you, gentle reader, never to date a person like me.
#6 – Your Date Is Narrating In Their Head, Probably in Third Person
It goes like this. You walk into the restaurant and greet your date. Then, you go to the bar for drinks, pay, return to the table and put their drink in front of them with a smile. Sounds simple, right? No. Because this is what they’re thinking… “The electricity was tangible. He strolled in, full of arrogant confidence that she both adored and resented. His long, angular body, wrapped in a French linen suit that cost more than her car, strode with effortless masculinity towards the bar, and commanded the barman’s attention. He had remembered her favourite drink from the brief conversations they had exchanged – he was thoughtful. She watched his slender fingers pass the money over to the bartender and wondered how they would feel tracing slowly over her curves…” and so on.
#5 – Your Date Writes Better Than They Have Sex… And You Feel Under Pressure
The thing you need to know most about erotic writers is that they are fantasists. Yes, they walk around and they exist and they interact and they might even be sociable but, most likely, they’ve spent most of their lives in their own heads. They are introspective and flittish, and they will feel like they’re expected to know how to have good sex because they write about it. But the truth is that the reason we’re fantasists is because we don’t necessarily have the confidence to do all that stuff we write about for real.
The flipside is that, once you know you’re dating an erotic writer, you’re going to feel like you’re being judged or rated every time you’re intimate. It’s probably not true, but it’s pressurising nonetheless. If it’s any consolation, you’ve probably had way more sex than the average erotic writer.
#4 – They Are Too Busy Writing About Relationships To Actually Have One
Writing is a time-consuming endeavour. So far, in this post, I’ve written 476 words and it’s taken me half an hour. My partner keeps trying to have conversations with me, but I’m too busy writing about writing to listen properly. Get used to that if you’re dating an erotic writer.
#3 – They Will Commit Murder When A Deadline Is Close
If you interfere when a deadline’s approaching, YOU WILL DIE.
#2 – They Have 16 Different Names
They have more names than a thrush has feathers, because they’ve never settled on a single identity. When you go to social events with your erotic writer date, you will have to ask them up front how they want to be addressed during the evening. And woe betide you if you refer to them by the wrong pseudonym – or worse yet, their REAL name.
And the number one reason not to date an erotic writer is…
#1 – YOU WILL BE A CHARACTER
If it all goes wrong, you will end up as a character in their next book. And it will NOT be pretty.
Please do feel free to contribute your own reasons not to date an erotic writer in the comments.